Sunday, September 19, 2010

Old foe, New Hero!!

People ask the question, What's a RocknRolla?

To be honest, I have waited to do this for a long long time. Finally, I can put it up with all the pride!!
So for all those who derided the person in question: Up Yours!!

To put things in perspective: no United player had scored a hat-trick against Liverpool since Stan Pearson in the late '40s!!

Moral of the story: BELIEVE

Monday, September 13, 2010

A Faith Reignited

Because sometimes... the truth isn't good enough. Sometimes people deserve more. Sometimes people deserve to have their faith rewarded.- The Dark Knight

Having lived in an isolated township during most of my nascent years, a movie theatre was a novel experience for me. Indeed, the right paths were laid when the first movie I saw in a theatre was at the then dilapidated ‘Jwala Talkies, Agra’ in the form of Mithun da’s ‘Cheetah’(Awesomeness-101). And those were indeed the golden years. Who says Bollywood was at its crappiest worst in the mid 90’s!! It gave India a whole generation of people ready to spread their arms in the middle of mustard fields and idolized Akshay Kumar in his now forgotten avatar of kicking (as rumour then had it) Undertaker’s bad white ass. And a big ‘Up Yours’ to anyone who derides the music. For fuck’s sake ‘Prem ki naiyya hai raam ke bharose’ is positively constipating. So I am, maybe, ranting because of my own personal connection but what am I supposed to feel if after watching Mithun da jerk the steering wheel of the gypsy and making it fly for 5 kms,I actually thought it possible for a further 2 more years by which time I had turned eight!! And this is when people while recounting the so called horrible period, forget movies like Rangeela, Andaaz Apna Apna and Baazigar ( templates for any streetside story, comedy, thriller respectively nowadays.)

Then it all started going downhill. While Switzerland was okay for a couple of song sequences thereby reflecting the ultimate dream of having your honeymoon under those beautiful mountains, something didn’t really click when people started having whole houses and families setup there. When in 2001 Hrithik Roshan’s fatty-go-hunky in 3kg said ‘London!’ after hearing of his brother having shifted base to the said city, things had reached an all-time low. And unfortunately, more of that was to follow, right from ‘Mujhse Dosti Karoge’ to ‘I abhor Love Stories’, the production houses just about made their money back by billing huge starcasts and shooting at exotic locales. The RDB's or 3 Idiots' were interspersed here and there which had their respective reasons for success.

Meanwhile, the move watching junta had slowly and steadily divided into a variety of niche groups. The people who had entirely given up on Bollywood were hated for their noveu riche attitude whereas, the vast underbelly of the Indian population still thronged to the traditional ‘dhishum dhishum’ experiences. Until now, that is.

‘Rewind to the golden era’ should have been the tagline to Dabangg. I’ll jot down the review in the form of a notice sent out by the DOSW’s office:


General Awesomeness Observed

  1. Whereas Dabangg was found guilty of objectifying women, a trend of vital importance in the history of Indian cinema.
  2. Whereas Dabangg had the most clich├ęd dialogue in the history of cinema : “Mujhse anjaane mein bahut badi galti ho gayi!”
  3. Whereas Dabangg restored the age-old stormtrooper effect (meaning the bad guys always miss) to its past glorious heights.
  4. Whereas it was found, Salman Khan through the ‘ripping by flexing’ manoeuvre had asked Hrithik to kiss his macho ass goodbye.
  5. Whereas the movie managed to launch another girl next door role with aplomb, while the original sultriness herself, Dimple Kapadia was used to remind audiences of what Nirupa Roy had been in her glory years.

As a result of aforementioned clauses, it is deemed that Dabangg has been successful in catering to the awesomeness starved audience of India.


Chief Inspecting Officer (Department of Awesomeness)

Thursday, August 5, 2010

Changing Lanes

The 4 years at R were memorable for a lot of reasons. Not least because after the slump of 2001-2006, United finally got their act together and silverware was the norm of the day again. Had United won last season, the term ‘Wonder Years’ would have taken a new meaning altogether. And that is why this summer has been so much the longer. Its still pretty hard to digest that there won’t be any Azad Bhawan to be our very own Stretford End and that there won’t be people around to hug when I am watching the Champs League alone in the middle of the night and United score. But then maybe, just maybe, it was slated to be when Scholes jumped 17 seconds from time and the UG TV room erupted with shouts of victory and probably the upcoming season won’t have such nerve wracking moments.
So, it was yesterday when after a long long time, I was finally able to sit down and watch a completed United game courtesy the newly installed net connection at our place. And yet again it struck me how Kaka, Dela, Muruth, Gulate and Bihari were conspicuous by their absence. Again during Convo perhaps!
The game in itself was anything but a drab friendly. It of course helps, when the opposition is just there to make up the numbers and on the other side are players ready to put in their final acts before the manger decides which compartment to put them in for atleast the first half of the season. So, it was pretty encouraging to see that almost everyone impressed. Smalling committed a few glaring errors allowing players through when a simple minded approach would have eased the pressure.
It was a pleasant surprise indeed to see Rooney being as sharp as he was, after what was certainly a disastrous world cup. Though having gloryboys for team-mates did indeed go a long way in his personal debacle in South Africa. It would be a tad too overoptimistic to draw definitive conclusions from a pre-season friendly, and Carrick getting injured was definitely not a sight worth seeing. If that thing keeps him out for a couple of months, that could be curtains on his career for us. Nani, also looked sharp for someone making a comeback from injury and was on the ball quite often. Park produced a peach of a finish and looked quite at home in that left flank. And then of course, there was Chicharito. Neutrals might of course take you a little less seriously if you are a 22 year old with a nickname at the back of your jersey, but its pretty hard not to be excited about this fella’s prospect. From whatever he has shown this far, he looks a complete package and all the adulation heaped upon him seems well deserved.
So, Chelsea have lost three pre season friendlies in a row an dof course you can add 1 to the average age of their squad which won the league last season. Liverpool are in such big trouble, even the most loyal of fans would think that a top 4 finish would be what survival will be for West ‘Yoyo’ Brom. The surge surprise this season could come from Arsenal, if, as expected, they keep Cesc. Citeh meanwhile, keep up their role of Ernst Stavro Blofeld and hilariously keep reiterating that “World Domination” is what they look for.
Last season wasn’t probably as good as it eventually looked. And by good, I mean the race which we managed to take to the last day. We were exposed at our weakest worst when Fletch and Carrick played at centre back and we were annihilated by Fulham and lost, albeit a bit unluckily to Villa at home. This season, though will a new ball game altogether and although there might not be group huddles to celebrate the victories this particular season, it would be nice to be reminded of them time and again.

Tuesday, July 20, 2010

Inception in 5 Dialogues

Leonardo Di Caprio: You see, mind is like a game of Mario. We can go to any level and have castles and everything and get to know and steal stuff.

Joseph Levitt: Totally awesome! Let’s try to get Brooke Shields to marry me. Oh, who’s this chick?

Ellen Page: I’m the woman who is always named after Greek Goddesses. Pseudo-intellectual stuff dude! But, am I supposed to be pregnant while doing all this?

LDC: You see, pregnant is just a state of mind. You might be pregnant in a dream whereas in reality that’s just a full stomach playing games with your subconscious.

JL: True story! Like the other day, I thought, I had totally done it with Zooey Deschanel. Then I realized, I was dreaming a sci-fi movie. You know what; we should so get a life!!

Also, probably the film-makers didn't realise that the novel concept has already been picturised in this cult classic made by some engineering students.

P.S.- I did give it a 10 on IMDB.

Monday, February 15, 2010

Mann ka Radio....

Nothing succeeds like success and nothing occupies man like some extra free time. Two cents worth, the aforementioned words maybe, but that is pretty much what life has been for the past couple odd months. Regular readers, which basically translates to people who either through Dela’s or Murtha’s rolling bloglist stumble onto my blog, might wonder what kept me busy in the ensuing period. Well first of all, there was that biggest Cattle market of them all, nicely paraphrased as ‘Placement Session’. That took its time with a lot of talk going into where, what, with whom etc etc one wants to do in life. A nice little set of events left yours truly with a couple of offers, which I might humbly add, is way beyond I deserve.

The next semester kicked off and the ultra low load was immediately used to full effect with a whole week bunk of classes in the form of vacationing at Uncle’s place. With 3 Idiots and Avatar providing the entertainment content and with seemingly nothing to do anywhere, life it seemed had taken a turn for the heavens. Return to R brought its share of reality bites with BTP (which incidentally, stands for Bachelor Thesis Project and not B.Tech project as I thought earlier) being talked about in covert conversations. But the overall mood among the final-yearites was quite jovial. United started to and still are playing in their top gear which was an extra cause for happiness.

The Krows have been quite active of late, with them being featured on the Time cover and apparently, their next big gig is on the way too. After having burst into public prominence since their blinding display at DJ Springeez, the world expects the world from them and I am willing to bet my left wing that they won’t be disappointed.

Two days back brought a trip to Haridwar on Maha Murphy Diwas, aptly named because the itinerary of the day included a fuel-less bus, lost items of clothing, walking a couple dozen kilometres and fighting with roadways officials.

There was the missing day, the day after when after a particular party high on higher elements, I seem to have forgotten how I ended up in my room in different clothes than the ones I was wearing with a little amount of (that what you do when you are nauseated) on my floor. Capping off the extended weekend was another sleepathon which meant missing another day’s classes. I HAVE to do something constructive.

Does this post count for something like that?

Tuesday, November 24, 2009

Remembering The Twat

I haven’t hated myself this much in a long long time. I was sleeping when Liverppol F.C. spectacularly exited from the European Cup. That’s a sin if there ever was one. Although sadism makes a big chunk of any football follower’s life, the cockiness of the Dippers this season makes their premature (albeit thoroughly deserving) exit all the more satisfying. Having beaten us three times on a trot only to be defeated constantly by teams of considerably lower calibre, its hard to fathom where they get their attitude from.

Yes, I know the same can be said about any United supporter as well. We aren’t without faults either but since we ARE the Premier League champions, its our party. So without undue delay, I’ll get down to the purpose of this blog.

Sacking a manager is probably an art best learnt from those who are actually practising it. It is truly mind boggling to see phrases “needed to be replaced” and “truly sorry to see him gone” in the same sentence. Only yesterday did the Premier League see its first sacrificial offering in the form of Paul Hart who “needed to be replaced” and the club in question, Pompeii F.C., “were genuinely sorry to see him go.” But then being politically correct has always invited the wrath of more jobless souls like myself.

So, The Benitez is going to be sacked. Real soon. Leaving aside the ramifications of the order of 20m pounds that they will incur in the form of remuneration to The Benitez (which incidentally would be the new world record for a lump sum VRS payment to a waiter), the club directors would have a tough time giving their statement to the public and Liverpool fans in particular. Of course, none would be happier than Stevie Me who could finally pitch his proposal to once and for all be done with the name and change the name of the club to Steven Gerrard Football Club (With the new motto being, “I always walk alone”). So I thought, having given them hate from all quarters of my body, I will make that up somewhat and give them some assistance in making the public statement that would be released in the aftermath of The Benitez being sacked.

Liverpool Football Club(the reader smirks at this point) is truly disappointed, and we mean really disappointed that our association with Mr. Rafael Benitez couldn’t continue. We thought that in the best interests of the club and Steven Gerrard, it would be wise to relieve Rafael of his duties. (The smirk becomes more prominent). We would always remember him for his never say die attitude in the face of so many defeats that we had under him. His tactical acumen and faith in approaches like Zonal Marking, Javier Lucas and La Nia, are a source of inspiration to all who feel they are being criticised undeservingly, sorry, deservingly. We would like to thank him on behalf of Manchester United. Their managing staff called us and asked us to convey their regards for his assistance in making them the Greatest Club in England. Finally, we thank him for his undying love towards facts. The fact that they were distorted most of the times doesn’t in any way lessen his effect on the way the game is seen and watched today by millions. We wish him all the best for the future. At this point, the club points out that, it won’t, take any responsibility for the eventual suicide (The reader clasps his hands together asif in prayer) that The Benitez may commit. We wish him all the best for the future.

Friday, November 6, 2009

Kauwagiri 101

August 24th will be declared a global holiday soon. Apart from the fact that it would be super cool to have your birthday on such an auspicious date, I am particularly happy that that being my birthday was the precise reason that led upto the invention, nay, discovery of the concept of “Kauwagiri”. I say ‘discovery’ because Kauwagiri is something that has waited to be discovered since time immemorial. Take the Freudian slip for example, being a phenomenon relevant to the innermost traits of a human, we are pretty sure that some Egyptian pharaoh must have mistakenly called his wife Nephri teri maa ki instead of Nephritiri right? But the phenomenon wasn’t noticed until Mr. Freud came along and decided, in an act of staggeringly high narcissism, to name the process after himself. The same goes for a ‘kauwa’ and the derived verb ‘kauwagiri’. An example of a historic kauwa that immediately comes to mind is our very own Chunky Pandey during his heydays of wearing orange pants with yellow shirts, the fashion still being followed today by a particular batch-mate. RESTECPA!

In this case the discovery took place while on a trip to Chandigarh when the bus was stuck in the middle of a traffic jam. As posterity will tell, the symbol of the city of Chandigarh went on to become the official ‘kauwa salute’ (the way to greet a fellow kauwa). As I have already given you a sneak peek as to how a kauwa ought to look, I now will tell you what you ought to do in today’s world to be treated, respected and if you are worthy enough, worshipped as a kauwa.

The Dress Code- Introduced to much fanfare on 1st November, 2009 during Thomso, the official kauwa fest of the world, it includes the following items: A baseball cap facing sideways (Preferable colours: Red, Fluorescent Green), a simple black sweatshirt with a catchy tagline, three-fourths trousers lose enough, shoes without socks.

Accessories- A metallic wristwatch, sunglasses (Frame color strictly red), wristband.

The demeanour- Nothing surprises you, none of the things said or done around you makes you come up with an emotional response.

The talk- Be short and subtle. Phrases to be used repetitively are “Peace man!” and “Chill!”. Remember the thumb rule, crows don’t talk loudly they are supposed to be the epitome of kewl.

Peace out guys! And remember, as is the rule to have everything represented by an emoticon, kauwagiri offers two different emoticons for use. Use either _m/ or \m_ depending on which hand you use for the kauwa salute.