Remembering The Twat

I haven’t hated myself this much in a long long time. I was sleeping when Liverppol F.C. spectacularly exited from the European Cup. That’s a sin if there ever was one. Although sadism makes a big chunk of any football follower’s life, the cockiness of the Dippers this season makes their premature (albeit thoroughly deserving) exit all the more satisfying. Having beaten us three times on a trot only to be defeated constantly by teams of considerably lower calibre, its hard to fathom where they get their attitude from.

Yes, I know the same can be said about any United supporter as well. We aren’t without faults either but since we ARE the Premier League champions, its our party. So without undue delay, I’ll get down to the purpose of this blog.

Sacking a manager is probably an art best learnt from those who are actually practising it. It is truly mind boggling to see phrases “needed to be replaced” and “truly sorry to see him gone” in the same sentence. Only yesterday did the Premier League see its first sacrificial offering in the form of Paul Hart who “needed to be replaced” and the club in question, Pompeii F.C., “were genuinely sorry to see him go.” But then being politically correct has always invited the wrath of more jobless souls like myself.

So, The Benitez is going to be sacked. Real soon. Leaving aside the ramifications of the order of 20m pounds that they will incur in the form of remuneration to The Benitez (which incidentally would be the new world record for a lump sum VRS payment to a waiter), the club directors would have a tough time giving their statement to the public and Liverpool fans in particular. Of course, none would be happier than Stevie Me who could finally pitch his proposal to once and for all be done with the name and change the name of the club to Steven Gerrard Football Club (With the new motto being, “I always walk alone”). So I thought, having given them hate from all quarters of my body, I will make that up somewhat and give them some assistance in making the public statement that would be released in the aftermath of The Benitez being sacked.

“Liverpool Football Club(the reader smirks at this point) is truly disappointed, and we mean really disappointed that our association with Mr. Rafael Benitez couldn’t continue. We thought that in the best interests of the club and Steven Gerrard, it would be wise to relieve Rafael of his duties. (The smirk becomes more prominent). We would always remember him for his never say die attitude in the face of so many defeats that we had under him. His tactical acumen and faith in approaches like Zonal Marking, Javier Lucas and La Nia, are a source of inspiration to all who feel they are being criticised undeservingly, sorry, deservingly. We would like to thank him on behalf of Manchester United. Their managing staff called us and asked us to convey their regards for his assistance in making them the Greatest Club in England. Finally, we thank him for his undying love towards facts. The fact that they were distorted most of the times doesn’t in any way lessen his effect on the way the game is seen and watched today by millions. We wish him all the best for the future. At this point, the club points out that, it won’t, take any responsibility for the eventual suicide (The reader clasps his hands together asif in prayer) that The Benitez may commit. We wish him all the best for the future.”

Kauwagiri 101

August 24^th will be declared a global holiday soon. Apart from the fact that it would be super cool to have your birthday on such an auspicious date, I am particularly happy that that being my birthday was the precise reason that led upto the invention, nay, discovery of the concept of “Kauwagiri”. I say ‘discovery’ because Kauwagiri is something that has waited to be discovered since time immemorial. Take the Freudian slip for example, being a phenomenon relevant to the innermost traits of a human, we are pretty sure that some Egyptian pharaoh must have mistakenly called his wife Nephri teri maa ki instead of Nephritiri right? But the phenomenon wasn’t noticed until Mr. Freud came along and decided, in an act of staggeringly high narcissism, to name the process after himself. The same goes for a ‘kauwa’ and the derived verb ‘kauwagiri’. An example of a historic kauwa that immediately comes to mind is our very own Chunky Pandey during his heydays of wearing orange pants with yellow shirts, the fashion still being followed today by a particular batch-mate. RESTECPA!

In this case the discovery took place while on a trip to Chandigarh when the bus was stuck in the middle of a traffic jam. As posterity will tell, the symbol of the city of Chandigarh went on to become the official ‘kauwa salute’ (the way to greet a fellow kauwa). As I have already given you a sneak peek as to how a kauwa ought to look, I now will tell you what you ought to do in today’s world to be treated, respected and if you are worthy enough, worshipped as a kauwa.

The Dress Code- Introduced to much fanfare on 1^st November, 2009 during Thomso, the official kauwa fest of the world, it includes the following items: A baseball cap facing sideways (Preferable colours: Red, Fluorescent Green), a simple black sweatshirt with a catchy tagline, three-fourths trousers lose enough, shoes without socks.

Accessories- A metallic wristwatch, sunglasses (Frame color strictly red), wristband.

The demeanour- Nothing surprises you, none of the things said or done around you makes you come up with an emotional response.

The talk- Be short and subtle. Phrases to be used repetitively are “Peace man!” and “Chill!”. Remember the thumb rule, crows don’t talk loudly they are supposed to be the epitome of kewl.

Peace out guys! And remember, as is the rule to have everything represented by an emoticon, kauwagiri offers two different emoticons for use. Use either _m/ or \m_ depending on which hand you use for the kauwa salute.