Time of your life!

Two and a half years living in a hostel and you realise that “Survival is the most basic instinct” is an axiom. So on one hand where people tell you that you study in one of the most elite colleges of the country and hence the civic manners ought to be prevelant, the reality couldn’t be further away from this.

Wingmanned by the Bulk himself,who “Foods up!” the Barney Stinson way and whom calling a food connoisseur would be the understatement of the still pretty young century, I managed to put together a how-to list of seven points that will get you through any buffet stomach filled and with a smug look guaranteed to make your fellow buffeteers, if you will, jealous. Here is your guide to fooding bliss:

1) Popularity quotient: Make sure the buffet you are going to contains a sizeable portion of participants you know. The level of knowledge or acquaintance doesn’t matter. And if you don’t well your chances of attaining the aforementioned nirvana are greatly reduced.

2) Be Ruthless: Remember “Survival is the most basic instinct”, so get to the food as soon as it arrives. There should not be any scope for feelings towards other competitors. Everyone is the ENEMY!

3) Be Conniving: Now here starts the intelligent part, you should always have that cuisine which the others aren’t attacking. Okay you might first think that you would be compromising on some gastronomical delight, but the sheer fact you “GOT SOME!” rather than watching someone else eat while you fill your stomach with water from your own mouth should be compensation enough.

4) Put your plate down: Trust me on this one! Even if you don’t have your own plate, you can go back to your home, nay, room, more satisfied than your plated counterparts. Once you have put your plate down, you have both hands free,ergo, greater mobility over the plate. All you have to do is use point (1) to your advantage, start a small talk and then schemishly devour your so called friend’s plate!

5) Make them believe you: “There is no such thing as a free buffet” goes the oft quoted saying. Sadly though what the people don’t realise here is that the meaning between the line, quoted by none other than Phoebe Buffet, is that you have to work to get the food. Keep going regularly to the “serving” counter to get the supply to other’s plates. Your plateless hands will again put you at an advantage over other tied and hungry. The second advantage, and this is where it gets doubly good, is that your hunted i.e. the one who you are eating off, falls to your Machiavellian skills and infact starts thinking, yours is a symbiotic relationship. (Well, you could say not everyone has the privilege of reading my blog!)

6) Be agile and quick witted: Point (5) has to be put into use with an intelligent combination of point (1). Shuttling between the people can be done on the pretext of “having some work with them” or “great he has _________(delicacy that everybody is after), I’ll get you some”. Be subtle, never hurt their feelings, they might be needed at a later stage.

7) The Exit Strategy: When you are all fed and satisfied, make sure your exit doesn’t attract a lot of attention. Saying sayonara can be extremely energy consuming thereby making you feel full-stomached for a lesser period of time.

Needless to say, the above reading is of no use if you don’t put it into practice regularly and extremely thoroughly. Wedding season being around the corner, that should provide you the ideal platform from which to launch your staunch campaign. So best of luck!

Beware:

· Applicable only to those who have had cannibalistic fantasies

· Any deaths resulting from the mentioned technique will not be the responsibility of the author.